Psalm 147:3 (MSG)
2-6 He heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
and assigns each a name.
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does.
God puts the fallen on their feet again
and pushes the wicked into the ditch.
I am about as broken as a person can be today. All my ideals have been smashed to the ground and stomped on in a public spectacle. I don’t know which emotion to feel more fully – embarrassment, heartbreak, disappointment, disdain, anguish, disillusionment, disgust – they all seem relevant and yet so far away from me at the moment. I am numb and overflowing with sadness. Sadness for myself, for my children, for the plight of the justice system, for the path of this country…
While I am now legally able to reveal the details, I don’t think I can in this post…everything is still too raw and new. I just need to write down this experience – to express how this step – these 24 hours have been in the path of seeking righteousness. And how truly empty and dirty I feel at the end of the process – not what I had anticipated at all.
See, though I have strived to live a life of truth, to be that example of truth for my children and those around me, ultimately NO ONE within the walls of the Justice System cared about truth when all was said and done. The irony of it all – the part that snaps my brain like a twig – is that I told a lie yesterday in front of a Superior Court Judge. I plead to a charge I was not guilty of, accepted responsibility for something I most certainly had not done, and along with that plea, gave up 3 more years of my career potential. Faced with 2 impossible choices, I had no other option but to choose the least damning to my children and my friends, all of whom would be swept into the wake of evil and hurt this system was intent on inflicting upon me.
God has molded me into an incredibly strong woman, and for this I am eternally thankful. But there are days, like now, when I fall to my knees, broken and bruised – after giving my best effort for the last 26 months – and my heart and my brain are having a difficult time rectifying what the point of all of this was. I know all of the clichés…God has a plan, you’ll get through this, you’re better off…and while I might actually hold stock in a few of these, today, and perhaps tomorrow – I don’t care about those rote answers.
I want to know when our world stopped being about truth and doing the right thing. I want to know when people like me, with good morals and high values, became obsolete. I want to know when innocent people had to prove their innocence instead of the other way around. I have never been someone who simply takes something at face value, and I don’t plan on changing that about myself now. I’m not talking about fair or easy. I’m talking about right and wrong.
What happened to me – the whole situation – was nothing but wrong. I will get over it. I will move past it. I have forever been changed by it, as have my children. But I will never accept that this is the way it is. There is something very wrong with this world…very wrong. And until more good people stand up and take notice, these wrongs will continue to happen – to all people.