He Heals the Brokenhearted

Psalm 147:3  (MSG)

2-6 He heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds.
He counts the stars
and assigns each a name.
Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;
we’ll never comprehend what he knows and does.
God puts the fallen on their feet again
and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

I am about as broken as a person can be today.  All my ideals have been smashed to the ground and stomped on in a public spectacle.  I don’t know which emotion to feel more fully – embarrassment, heartbreak, disappointment, disdain, anguish, disillusionment, disgust – they all seem relevant and yet so far away from me at the moment.  I am numb and overflowing with sadness.  Sadness for myself, for my children, for the plight of the justice system, for the path of this country…

While I am now legally able to reveal the details, I don’t think I can in this post…everything is still too raw and new.  I just need to write down this experience – to express how this step – these 24 hours have been in the path of seeking righteousness.  And how truly empty and dirty I feel at the end of the process – not what I had anticipated at all.

See, though I have strived to live a life of truth, to be that example of truth for my children and those around me, ultimately NO ONE within the walls of the Justice System cared about truth when all was said and done.   The irony of it all – the part that snaps my brain like a twig – is that I told a lie yesterday in front of a Superior Court Judge.  I plead to a charge I was not guilty of, accepted responsibility for something I most certainly had not done, and along with that plea, gave up 3 more years of my career potential.  Faced with 2 impossible choices, I had no other option but to choose the least damning to my children and my friends, all of whom would be swept into the wake of evil and hurt this system was intent on inflicting upon me.

God has molded me into an incredibly strong woman, and for this I am eternally thankful.  But there are days, like now, when I fall to my knees, broken and bruised – after giving my best effort for the last 26 months – and my heart and my brain are having a difficult time rectifying what the point of all of this was.  I know all of the clichés…God has a plan, you’ll get through this, you’re better off…and while I might actually hold stock in a few of these, today, and perhaps tomorrow – I don’t care about those rote answers.

I want to know when our world stopped being about truth and doing the right thing.  I want to know when people like me, with good morals and high values, became obsolete.  I want to know when innocent people had to prove their innocence instead of the other way around.  I have never been someone who simply takes something at face value, and I don’t plan on changing that about myself now.  I’m not talking about fair or easy.  I’m talking about right and wrong.

What happened to me – the whole situation – was nothing but wrong.  I will get over it.  I will move past it.  I have forever been changed by it, as have my children.  But I will never accept that this is the way it is.  There is something very wrong with this world…very wrong.  And until more good people stand up and take notice, these wrongs will continue to happen – to all people.

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The Truth Will Set You Free…Or Will It?

“The truth may hurt for a little while but a lie hurts forever.”

I have always prided myself on my honesty.  Not in an “I’m better than you!” kind of way, but mostly in an admirable quality way.  I will always tell you the truth, even if it leads to trouble – certainly not my intent, but in my attempt to be transparent, the line between ‘brutal honesty’ and ‘loving kindness’ sometimes becomes blurred.  I often tell too much, as has been mentioned to me before, again, under the guise of transparency, rather than misrepresenting myself in any way.

I’m not exactly sure where this strong belief in truth came from.  I know as a young child I struggled with lying.  I remember my mother and her disappointment regarding this very issue.  I also recall the secrets that were necessary that I keep – secrets that no child should be required to keep.  I do remember vividly my resolve that once that ugly revelation met the light of day, I declared mostly to myself that never again would I ‘hide things’ from people.

I also find it more than ironic how we convince ourselves that we’re not really lying by giving little pet names to the acts we commit – white lies, fibs, stories, half-truths, omissions of information – the more glorious the name, the less guilt we associate with the actual act.  But the bottom line remains the same; any time we answer a question with less that the facts, we are in essence, lying…nothing glamourous about that.

For the past 2 years, this very premise of mine has faced some strong adversity that has challenged myself and my faith to its very core.  And while I cannot yet quite share the full extent of what I am referring, suffice it to say that the very moral fiber on which I stand has been called into question throughout this entire timeframe.  At each bend in the road, I have stood firm, opting to choose truth over the perhaps easier path of least resistance, all the while wrestling with my logical brain as to why it was this way.  Why in essence was truth the ‘loser’ in this battle at all?  It would seem only right that opting for truth would lead to freedom on several fronts, not the least of which included in the world’s eye.

I think this has been the most difficult lesson of all – that the world, who at large never ceases to disappoint me, falls short on my expectations of holding up a measurable bar at all for values.  That in the choice of truth over covering your butt, hands down, covering your butt wins every time!  Even more, the fact that this shocks me has been the source of ridicule as well.  That a grown woman in 2015 has the audacity to stand for anything, let alone the truth, and walk out the courage of her convictions – well, apparently it’s simply unheard of…until now.

Now is when you’re going to want to scoot up in your seat…it’s getting good.  I don’t give a hill of beans what this world thinks of lying, covering your butt to stay out of trouble, saying the popular thing, looking the part, taking the easy way out…whatever.  Bring it on!  First, I don’t scare easy – my God is bigger than anything you could throw at me.  Second, I am raising 3 teenagers, essentially alone in this messed up world.  They are watching every move I make.  If I cannot be their good Christian example, who the heck will be?  Lastly, you know that saying, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything”?  I do stand for something…I stand for good values.  I don’t care how rare they are.  I don’t care how old-fashioned I’m called.  I don’t care if I’m ridiculed.  I don’t care if this crazy world doesn’t understand me.  I know who I am – I know where I’m headed – I know where I’ve been – I know the truth…and with God by my side…I AM FREE!

John 8:32

32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”